These are from a book called Disorderinthe American Courts, and are thingspeople actually said in court, word forword, taken down and now published bycourt reporters that had the torment ofstaying calm while these exchanges wereactually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at themoment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, doesit affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does itaffect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes,voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the nextmorning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the exam?
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (ofthe baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing atthat time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children,right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? YourHonor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when Igo to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performedon dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST beoral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around8:30p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performedthe autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for bloodpressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible thatthe patient was alive when you begantheautopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sittingon my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patienthave still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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